Christmas Near Death Experiences

Folks, Santa Claus is watching. I tell this to all my friends and to strangers who I predict will end up in prison. He sees you when you’re sleeping, which is a little discomforting because last week I woke up without my boxers on–I’m hoping he can help explain that one to me and my roommate. And he does a whole lot of other important stuff that I really don’t have time to explain: like promote kindness and care to all, regardless of socioeconomic status, political views, ethnicity, or terrorist affiliation. Santa and the spirit of Christmas should remind us that we are all worthy of love. And remember disgruntled coal workers of Ohio, as long as there are naughty people, coal will always be a thriving industry here in the United States.

When I woke up Monday morning, I realized thanksgiving break had run away in the middle of the night. I cried and cried and even coughed to check for hernias, but none of that would bring her back. With dried puffy eyes I came to the heart-wrenching realization that she was gone for good, that these next three weeks weren’t gonna be easy, but that if I could get through it I would get to see winter break. And also, that I only have one final, so I should quit my whining and get to studying.

I can spot squirrels better than the dog in Disney/ Pixar’s UP. I attribute this to my ADHD, 20/10 vision, and my father passing on all the lessons he learned as a boy growing up in West Virginia. I was walking to the Lilly Library when I looked up and spotted a real thick one picking berries on the end of a tree branch. I knew this little character was in a tight spot because the tree limb was sagging more and more underneath his hefty frame, and he was about 20 feet off the ground. Welp, just like anyone who exceeds nature’s weight limit he caused the branch to snap, and began to plummet towards the earth. Now I can’t tell you the formula for him falling to the earth (gravity is estimated at -9.8 m/s squared), but I can tell you about the noise he made when he hit the turf flat on his furry little tummy; It was more of a fart than a thud. It was the sound of every bit of air escaping his body (through all orifices) at the exact same time.

I couldn’t help but yell, “CRIKEY! The little fella’s taken a tumble,” in a Steve Irwin voice as I ran towards him. No one has ever trained me in CPR and I am far from certified (50% of saving a life is effort, the other fifty is in the elbow grease as I always say), but I did make my way over in a high speed Hasslehoff pursuit. But before I could earn my first responder merit badge, that tiny bastard hopped up and scurried off like a seven year old on Christmas morning. I don’t remember if I ever made it to the library, but I do remember learning the fragility of life. So kids don’t climb trees.

I hope I’ve helped a few of you make sense of this crazy world, and I also hope I’ve made you smile.



:^{D    <— Italian Smiley Face

About Carl Sonnefeld

I am a freshman at Wabash College. I have 1 mom and 1 dad, 1 brother, and 4 dogs. I enjoy football, snowboarding, talking to men and/or women. Ray Charles is my favorite musician but I enjoy all things groovy. Happiness is a matter of fresh the coffee is and how pleated my slacks are. I am a twit @Cmoneytangmasta
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