Here I am cyberfriends! So, I know you all love a good anatomy lesson, right?! I know that I do. Then again, I’m downright crazy about anatomy. Especially when, thanks to a strange occurrence in my own anatomy, I happen to wake up feeling like a sixty year old every day. You must be thinking I’ve got one of those exotic diseases where you age too fast and look like your 40 when your 18. That’s not true. I look perfectly fine. It’s my knees that are all goofy, and here’s why.
Picture if you will, the Ministry of Silly Walks, the fantastic Monty Python skit. Now, throw in a dash of old age, a pinch of stupidity, a little sports, and a bad trip to LaserCraze. In the words of the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, this is where. “my life got flip-turned upside down”. So, I’d like to take minute, just sit right there, and I’ll tell you how my knees hit me, right out of thin air.
It began in eighth grade. Specifically, it began in football. I was doing a tackling drill, and I partially tore my ACL. Ok. No biggie. The coaches were impressed by my extensive knowledge of four letter words, as well as the inventive swears I came up with. I remember that one involved a cross-eyed tap-dancing Santa in a rather precarious position, but, after my expletive explosion, I just got up and walked around. It wasn’t until I got home, and my 6 pound Chihuahua jumped on my beach ball sized knee that I realized a hospital trip was involved. Little did I know that this would become a common occurrence.
Fast forward to later that very same year in gym class. We were playing kickball, and I had just smashed the ball as usual. I’ve always had a lead foot. I’m celebrating, which generally means I’m jumping up and down like a drunken guerilla, and I feel a pop. Unfortunately for the beautiful girl behind me, whom I happened to think was smoking hot at the time, we got to be very intimate very quickly………….I fell one her. If I wouldn’t have been in pain, this could have been a very romantic moment. As it was, I made my way up the stairs, and went to the hospital. Low and behold, I had to have surgery. Apparently I had dislocated my knee, tore my patellar tendon, and still had my ACL healing at the time. This was a one-time occurrence right? Wrong.
Now, we arrive at my freshman year of high school. I was at my cousin’s birthday party at LaserCraze. Once again, the inevitable pop and kaboom combo. Funny thing is, all the little kids were still lighting me up like a Christmas tree while I was on the ground writhing. Once again, I manage to get up, call my folks, and head to the doc. I had to get surgery once again. I had added on to all the injuries on my left knee the first time, and added some new “twists” to my right. Apparently, on top of the dislocation and torn patellar tendon, I had also landed on my femur, which caused spiral fractures to run all the way up it. OH JOY!!!! More therapy, more healing, and more missed school. Oh, and I was diagnosed with Patellar Tracking Disorder.
Patellar Tracking Disorder is where the groove in your femur is flat, and your kneecap is shaped wrong. This leads to big problems with torque. I can’t turn. It just doesn’t work. However, I can play guitar. Thanks to my knees, I learned time management, how to cope with sleep deprivation, and guitar. I think I won.
Now, to college, away!!!!!!!! It’s been a good experience so far, but these weather fronts are squeezing my knees like stressballs. Well, as Frankie sang, “That’s life.” I just come back to my dorm and lay up for a while, do my work, and get back out there. These knees aren’t a disability unless I let them become one. Now, would a handicap parking sticker be nice sometimes? Sure! However, I’m not going to ever request one because I don’t need it. I never will. Unless a giant ice cream truck falls out of the sky straight onto my knees (knock on wood), I should be perfectly fine.
So, if you ever see me walking funny, or I happen to have my amazing parrot cane, don’t be shocked. I’m just playing House for the day. I’m not going to beat you with it, or scream at you to get off of my lawn. If you’re nice, I may let you smack someone with it. It all depends on if they deserve it. Well, this is Kevin signing off. I have to go and ice my knees. In the meantime, enjoy every sandwich.